You know it's a pretty sad comment on your life when you start missing going to see your shrink. I dunno maybe it's because I miss having someone to talk to about MY problems. Don't get me wrong, talking to my roommates and friends and family that helps. But it's not like I can dump EVERYTHING I've been thinking and feeling on them. Mostly because I wind up either feeling like a whiny little bitch, feeling like they think I'm crazy, or that I'm just being selfish. I dunno, maybe it's because everyone around me seems to have bigger or more important problems than I do. That and it's hard for me to talk to people about stuff that's really deep and emotional for me because I've been shot down by my mother so much. Things that make life hard for me seem so stupid and small when compared to everyone else and I feel weak and stupid when I can't handle things on my own. Because that's how I was raised.

"It's no use crying, just suck it up and do what you need to do. People have it worse off than you and you don't hear THEM complaining. Someday you'll have no one to rely on but yourself and you have to be strong enough to handle that."

Hearing stuff like that all your life makes it really hard to really open up and tell people just...I don't know...how LOST I feel. And I feel that a lot. It's not that I need constant encouragement but it's that I get a bunch of excitement and enthusiasm for something I'm really passionate for and when I start out everything's great. But as the days go on, and as I get better or worse it's like I lose track of where I was going or what I had in mind. And it's not like I doubt myself but it's like I'm stuck in a quagmire of 'what now?'. And sure all those things I learned in the past help, I don't break down and cry. I don't go off whining about how horrible it is to be me. And I try to motivate myself to go back and kick ass and take names.

But the times when I'm alone, when I don't have someone around to distract me, I start thinking about what's going on around me. The people around me are inspiring. And I think, I can do that too, I can do what they do if I just work hard enough and want it enough. And I can get close. But when I do I feel like something's missing. Or like something's not right and I can't help but wonder what it is and what I did wrong. And when I look around for someone to talk to for someone who might tell me that it's nothing but a feeling that'll pass. But all the people around me just seem to be struggling so much harder than me and there they are with problems so much worse than my own that I'm ashamed to say anything.

But there I am with all those bottled up thoughts and emotions that just make me feel like I've lost the ground underneath my feet. And I want so bad to have someone to talk to again. Someone who won't judge me and tell me I'm selfish or that I should just suck it up. Somebody who will just tell me to calm down and set things right like my therapist used to. Somebody who will help me simple sit down and come up with a reason WHY I'm feeling so lost. And just somebody who will tell me everything's going to be okay without making me feel like I've wasted their time whining to them about something insignificant.